I mean that in the bad way. Mostly.
At least in my case, along with “bad” comes “growth”, so there’s that. 2026 will be my year of expansion, of clarity.
But first, I must ceremonially kick 2025 right in the nads and wave bye-bye from the car window.
Things Lost
In 2025, I lost my home. (I separated from my spouse and moved out.). I lost my family unit.
I lost a large amount of peace of mind when a powerful entity began persecuting a close family member. (IYKYK.)
I lost my father, not to death, but to pure narcissism.
But I also lost my self-deception. I lost the habit of hiding from the truth, which in turn lost me my passive betrayal of my own child.
Things Gained
Another way to say that is that I gained: truth, perception, clarity.
I gained a fresh start on self-respect. I gained the opportunity to begin making up to my son for the years I’ve failed him.
I gained a second chance and a new life.
And I gained sovereignty, release, and room to become vast. (We are all meant to be vast, friends. `Ware those that wish to limit your thoughts, your evolution, or your freedoms.)
Near the end of the year, I gained some new friends – people who respect, who question, who support and encourage and grow.
I am so, SO deeply grateful for my friends, both new and long-suffering. (Yeah, you know who you are, you magnificent, darling beasts!)
2026 and Themes
I haven’t done “resolutions” in quite a while. Resolutions are kinda bullshit, at least for me.
What isn’t bullshit are themes. This year’s theme made itself apparently in the last few months: expansion.
A crushed form
I have lived in a smaller and smaller space, year over year. I have been shuffled aside, pushed down, squashed, crushed, limited.
By what? By whom?
…by anything that ever denied my ability to choose how I present myself, both in terms of gender and in terms of neurology / socialization.
…by anyone who ever suggested that I might be more [insert condescendingly positive attribute here] if I would just [insert bullshit performative thing here].
…by every system that distracted me from what is most important, what is most true.
…by any- and every-one and -thing that traumatized me into one unhealthy survival strategy after another.
Now that I can see clearly, I will not be subject to that crushing any more. I will be space; I will be vast.
Expanding into vastness
Many people before me have said things about expanding, and said it better than I can. I’m fine with that. I’m glad for them and for us all, that they said it first.
Now I will say: Shambhala and Buddhism, introspection and friends, and finally therapy — they have all shown me the immense space we take up, mentally speaking.
Like books, and like the TARDIS, we are far, far larger on the inside. Frost said, “I contain multitudes”. Morrison said, “Still, I rise!” The poets are right about that.
It wasn’t enough to tell me that I deserve to take up space. I wasn’t ready to understand.
But sit in the stillness of meditation, watch the thoughts come and go, return to the breath. You find that there is enough room, with practice, for the thoughts to wander around freely on their own. I don’t have to chase them. I can sit and experience the breath and the openness of my mind, of existence.
I know I sound like a nut if you haven’t done this, but you’re going to have to trust me.
Or if you don’t trust me, trust the landscape of your dreams. Trust to Never-Neverland, to Narnia behind the wardrobe door.
Trust to the early ones, painting scenes on stone walls to tell stories.
I’m telling you, friends. We are vast.
-J